Confessions of a Father

Everyone down at the old bar knew Bob’s story. A hallow shell of a man, Bob had once had it all. A mansion in the suburbs, a brand new sports car, and a high paying executive job, all of which he shared with his pin-up wife and handsome young son. But things were not as they seemed, for as time went on, Bob’s life had slowly spun out of control.

It had started with the birth of their son, whom Bob named (against the wishes of both his wife and his family) Herb Wounded Knee Hitler Johnson. He also arranged his son’s marriage to Sacagawea and would urinate in the boy’s crib every night before he went to sleep.

When the boy was eight, Bob constructed a bondage sex dungeon in the house’s basement, where he employed an Asian dominatrix he called Mistress Woo. Whenever Herb misbehaved or Bob had an erection, Bob would yell, “To the Dungeon!” where he allowed Mistress Woo to have her way with his weeping young son as he dangled from a leather sex swing Bob had purchased from his local Home Depot.

Fellow bar goers, very well acquainted with Bob’s heart breaking tale, know that it wasn’t until little Herb was sixteen that things may have gotten out of hand for Papa Bob. It was at Herb’s first big high school dance and he had asked out the prettiest girl in the entire school, Cindy. If everything goes right, Herb thought, it might be my sexual experience without a diseased ball gag. Little did Herb know how right that night would go. Actually, it would go wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.

As Herb and Cindy entered the school gymnasium, a sight befell their eyes that nothing in their health classes could have ever prepared them for. In the midst of the dance decorations stood Bob, completely naked and covered in pig’s blood, having just successfully carved a likeness of his son’s own flaccid manhood into his pubic hair. He then proceeded to have sexual intercourse with the Pocket Pussy sex toy, which he had also purchased from Home Depot.

Needless to say, Herb’s night was ruined. And so was Bob, but for unrelated financial matters.