R.W.C. #4: 'Anus Cold As Ice'

After a wait of well over a month, I present the newest (and fourth) installment of

"Cheesesticks & Poon: The Adventures of Robot Winston Churchill Across the Ages".

Part Four

"Anus Cold As Ice"


Doctor Robert Watson, chief paleontologist at the National Museum of Natural History, came bolting through the doors of the delivery docks just about as fast as anyone could. The newest prehistoric discoveries from the field had just arrived, and Doctor Watson was sweating with anticipation. As he signed for the delivery, he ordered his assistant, paleontology graduate student Tony Danza, to help him bring in the giant crate.

“What is it, Doctor? Is it the homo erectus you’ve always wanted?”

“’fraid not, me boy. This prize’ll be much grander. A perfectly preserved woolly mammoth, frozen instantly at the beginning of the Ice Age. I’m just hopin’ this one doesn’t have the strange deformities like the last one.”

“What were the deformities, Doctor?”

“Hold on boy, let’s get this crate in the examination room first.”

As they brought the massive crate in by fork lift, they placed it upon the examination table. As Danza began to tear away the protective covering, the Doctor could barely contain his excitement. His colleagues in the paleontology world had laughed at his obsession with the wooly mammoth, but Doctor Robert Watson was on a mission.

Ever since his first expedition to the artic as an eager graduate student, and his first mammoth find, he had been hooked on finding the perfect specimen of the massive beast we know today as Mammuthus Primigenius. But what had puzzled him most, especially recently, was the odd deformities in and around the sexual organs that seemed to appear on each and every specimen that ventured through his museum doors. It was almost enough to drive the poor old man insane.

But as Danza peeled away the last of the plastic wrap, exposing the perfectly preserved fur and fleshed, the Doctor became wholeheartedly aroused.

“Hurry boy! Show me the anus!”

Danza paused at this request, but when you spend eighteen hours locked in a museum like the Doctor did, the standards of attraction may be slightly lowered. Either way, he did as he was told.

As Danza unwrapped the anus’ covering, the Doctor pushed him away and grabbed the first look. What he saw couldn’t be put into words. A massive hole seemed to have ripped away the anal cavity, as if the result of a penetration of biblical proportions. And inside the gaping hole was, just like all the others, a kind of stringy, metallic goo.

“No! No!”, the Doctor jumped back, horrified, “No, it cannot be! Not again!”

“What is it Doctor?” Danza yelled at his petrified professor.

The Doctor was speechless. Eager to look for himself, Danza looked in at what the Doctor had staggered back from.

“My god, Doctor. This hole… it’s enormous. And this liquid. What is it? It’s almost like some kind of robotic semen.”

With those words, the Doctor was pushed over the edge.

All of his theories, his worries, his fears, were confirmed with those words. His worst nightmare was coming true and it was directly in front of his face. Terrified, he fell to his only solution to such a pain.

The Doctor, in his last act, ran quickly to a counter near the table where he grabbed a scalpel. Tears pouring from his eyes and agony ripping at his soul, he quickly slashed his wrists and throat as he fell to the floor. As he looked up once more from his pool of blood and pure human grief he bellowed his final words toward the heavens.

“Damn you, Robot Winston Churchill!”

haikus

here are some haikus i have written, most of them last year. enjoy, my good friends.

the night i made love
to the robot plays out when
i look at your face

it was gross to find
that i was not eating a pear
it was a man's head

the fall air was crisp
and cold as i strangled the
life out of your body

i had an idea for
a fun and witty haiku
but i forgot it

sometimes i poo with
the door open to add a
sense of excitement

i cannot see you
can you come a bit closer
oh man i am drunk

oh my god i think
i killed a hooker in here
fucking koreans

on the tour bus i
was a member of the five
foot high club my man

oh man i just spilled
iced tea on my haiku sheet
fuck fuck why god why

if i had a son
i would name him herb and
arrange his marriage

sometimes at the bagel
shop i steal the condiments
what a good breakfast

if i had to kill
somone i'd use a pillow
and smother their face

today i wore tube
socks and that is why i am
not going back home

i bet store mannequins
come alive at night time and
fist fight to the death

bob villa is waiting
outside your door to kick your
ass oh are you screwed

i would be a bad
cowboy because i microwave
my s'mores at home

sometimes i run about
in cemetaries at night haha
cause they are still dead

there is braille on drive
up a.t.m.s and I am
going to kill myself

i bet haunted tape
dispensers are pissed off cause
come on that's just dumb

the clock on my wall
is broken again oh no
i'm late again fuck

on a sinking navy
ship i bet the sailors wished
they'd joined the air force

now i wonder if
cannabalism would be okay if
peopled tasted good

i wonder if kids
in china get tattoos of
words in english there

what can i say you
are a rushing fountain of
ideas my good friend

i would make a good
ghost because i already
happen to be pale

call for help man my
erection has lasted for
more than four hours now

until now i was
totally unaware cock fighting
normally involved chickens

drinking and peeing
at the same time was something
i won't soon forget

few of life's problems
cannot be solved with lube and
a well placed grenade

i wonder if the
pope goes to school reunions
ha ha he's the pope

there's nothing sadder
than a real sad clown without
any health insurance

anything worth taking
seriously is worth making
offensive jokes about

i am a robot
beep beep beep clink clank snap smash
oh no i'm broken