haikus

here are some haikus i have written, most of them last year. enjoy, my good friends.

the night i made love
to the robot plays out when
i look at your face

it was gross to find
that i was not eating a pear
it was a man's head

the fall air was crisp
and cold as i strangled the
life out of your body

i had an idea for
a fun and witty haiku
but i forgot it

sometimes i poo with
the door open to add a
sense of excitement

i cannot see you
can you come a bit closer
oh man i am drunk

oh my god i think
i killed a hooker in here
fucking koreans

on the tour bus i
was a member of the five
foot high club my man

oh man i just spilled
iced tea on my haiku sheet
fuck fuck why god why

if i had a son
i would name him herb and
arrange his marriage

sometimes at the bagel
shop i steal the condiments
what a good breakfast

if i had to kill
somone i'd use a pillow
and smother their face

today i wore tube
socks and that is why i am
not going back home

i bet store mannequins
come alive at night time and
fist fight to the death

bob villa is waiting
outside your door to kick your
ass oh are you screwed

i would be a bad
cowboy because i microwave
my s'mores at home

sometimes i run about
in cemetaries at night haha
cause they are still dead

there is braille on drive
up a.t.m.s and I am
going to kill myself

i bet haunted tape
dispensers are pissed off cause
come on that's just dumb

the clock on my wall
is broken again oh no
i'm late again fuck

on a sinking navy
ship i bet the sailors wished
they'd joined the air force

now i wonder if
cannabalism would be okay if
peopled tasted good

i wonder if kids
in china get tattoos of
words in english there

what can i say you
are a rushing fountain of
ideas my good friend

i would make a good
ghost because i already
happen to be pale

call for help man my
erection has lasted for
more than four hours now

until now i was
totally unaware cock fighting
normally involved chickens

drinking and peeing
at the same time was something
i won't soon forget

few of life's problems
cannot be solved with lube and
a well placed grenade

i wonder if the
pope goes to school reunions
ha ha he's the pope

there's nothing sadder
than a real sad clown without
any health insurance

anything worth taking
seriously is worth making
offensive jokes about

i am a robot
beep beep beep clink clank snap smash
oh no i'm broken